Haley, are you just loving being a mom?!
I've been asked this probably a million times since
having my baby, and I have answered yes almost every single time. Almost. Until
my mom asked me. And I just stared at her. I hesitated. I didn't want to say
yes but I couldn't say no.
Does that make me a bad mom? Maybe you think so. But
let me tell you why I struggle with that question.
The moment I found out I was pregnant was one of the
best of my life. I've always known I wanted to be a mommy. My husband knew that
I wanted kids fast and after a fair amount of convincing it was the right thing
for us, I was seeing the beautiful two lines telling me I would be a mommy very
soon. I remember going in to confirm my pregnancy and get my estimated due date
at 7 weeks pregnant and thinking "NOVEMBER?! that's forever away!!"
And then I was finding out Addie was a girl. And then I was feeling her kick.
And then, before I knew it, I was being driven to LDS hospital on November 15th
to give birth. It never really hit me until I was driving home with my newborn
baby girl that I was now completely responsible for this little angel who is
100 percent dependent on her father and myself. Want to talk about a reality
check? Have a baby.
It probably sounds like I hate being a mom, or that I
don't love and adore my child with every part of my soul. That isn't the case
at all. The second I heard Addie cry...I've never felt so much love in my life.
Having my daughter placed on my chest for the first time is when I've felt
closest to my husband and to God in my life. Let me make one thing very clear:
I love my daughter. She is my world. I stay up late and hold her and just stare
at her never wanting to forget how tiny she is in my arms. I hold her extra
tight when I hear of children who suffer. I cry when she doesn't feel well.
Heck, I cry just thinking about how much I love her. I want the world and so
much more for her.
As I was lying in bed a few nights ago at 8:30,
completely exhausted and down on my luck from having no sleep (to be expected)
and a sick and very unhappy baby, I had a million things running through my
mind. Daniel and I said our nightly prayer together and as soon as I said
"amen" Daniel was snoring. I have serious sleep envy towards my
husband. Soon 8:30 turned into 9, which then turned into 9:45 and I still
couldn't sleep. Living in my parents basement has been a huge blessing for
Daniel and I for many reasons, and a big one is that my mom and dad are
obsessed with Addie and want to help us any way that they can, so they had the
baby for a few hours so Daniel and I could get some much needed rest after a
very emotional and stressful day. I was so frustrated and upset and hormonal
and just in tears because I couldn't fall asleep. So I sat up, and said a quick
prayer just asking Heavenly Father to help a sister out, and the next thing I
knew I was waking up at 1:30 to feed Addie. I fed, burped and changed my little
one and as I was rocking her back to sleep I pleaded with Heavenly Father to
allow my poor little one to get some good sleep. If not for my sake, for her
little body's sake so she could fight off the sickness she had. There's nothing
worse than holding your screaming child and not knowing how to help them. I
rocked her, brought her into our room, put her in her bed and climbed into mine
and went to sleep. The next thing I knew, it was 4 AM (Addie's favorite time to
be awake...until about 7...) and Adelaide was still sound asleep. Then it was
5, and Addie was still asleep. Then it was 6....sound asleep. She finally woke
up to satisfy her hunger around 7 and as I watched her gulp away at her bottle
I couldn't help but just cry. Heavenly Father hears us. He hears our prayers,
he knows the righteous desires of our hearts. HE LOVES US. That doesn't mean
that every time I plead with the lord to let Addie sleep through the night that
she will. It doesn't mean I won't be tired anymore or that my Adelaide will
never be sick again. We don't always get what we want, what we think we need.
But the lord is so mindful of us, our father in heaven is mindful of us, and
our prayers are heard. Boyd K Packer said "there are few things more
powerful than the prayers of a righteous mother." And I am not saying I am
righteous, or better than anybody, but I know that without a doubt, my prayers
were heard and they were answered. And as silly as it may seem that my daughter
allowing myself, and herself too, to get roughly 8 hours of pretty good sleep
is an answered prayer, wait until you have a baby.
Being a mom is something that I can't explain. I'm
told it's the most rewarding thing I'll ever do, and I believe it. But my
rewards right now are sleepless nights, screaming for no reason, poopy diapers
and only getting smiles when she has gas. And I wouldn't change it for the
world.
But being completely responsible for something so
precious isn't bliss. It's hard. It's overwhelming. It's emotional. But it's
worth it. So if I'm going to be honest with you, no. I have not loved
struggling with the fact that my daughter refuses to breast feed. I haven't
loved getting no sleep. I haven't loved having a marshmallow for a stomach and
not being able to wear my jeans. I haven't loved going into the doctor in the
middle of the night because my daughter has such bad acid reflux she won't
sleep. I haven't loved changing diapers and listening to her scream every time
she gets bathed or dressed. But I do love my daughter. And I love that I get to
raise her. I love that Heavenly Father trusts me enough to send me one of his
most special little angels. I love that my husband and I get to share our love
with the world through our child. So hate me for hesitating when asked if I
love being a mom. That question is more complex than anybody who isn't a parent
will ever understand.
