The Truth About Being a Mom

Haley, are you just loving being a mom?!

I've been asked this probably a million times since having my baby, and I have answered yes almost every single time. Almost. Until my mom asked me. And I just stared at her. I hesitated. I didn't want to say yes but I couldn't say no.

Does that make me a bad mom? Maybe you think so. But let me tell you why I struggle with that question.

The moment I found out I was pregnant was one of the best of my life. I've always known I wanted to be a mommy. My husband knew that I wanted kids fast and after a fair amount of convincing it was the right thing for us, I was seeing the beautiful two lines telling me I would be a mommy very soon. I remember going in to confirm my pregnancy and get my estimated due date at 7 weeks pregnant and thinking "NOVEMBER?! that's forever away!!" And then I was finding out Addie was a girl. And then I was feeling her kick. And then, before I knew it, I was being driven to LDS hospital on November 15th to give birth. It never really hit me until I was driving home with my newborn baby girl that I was now completely responsible for this little angel who is 100 percent dependent on her father and myself. Want to talk about a reality check? Have a baby.

It probably sounds like I hate being a mom, or that I don't love and adore my child with every part of my soul. That isn't the case at all. The second I heard Addie cry...I've never felt so much love in my life. Having my daughter placed on my chest for the first time is when I've felt closest to my husband and to God in my life. Let me make one thing very clear: I love my daughter. She is my world. I stay up late and hold her and just stare at her never wanting to forget how tiny she is in my arms. I hold her extra tight when I hear of children who suffer. I cry when she doesn't feel well. Heck, I cry just thinking about how much I love her. I want the world and so much more for her.

As I was lying in bed a few nights ago at 8:30, completely exhausted and down on my luck from having no sleep (to be expected) and a sick and very unhappy baby, I had a million things running through my mind. Daniel and I said our nightly prayer together and as soon as I said "amen" Daniel was snoring. I have serious sleep envy towards my husband. Soon 8:30 turned into 9, which then turned into 9:45 and I still couldn't sleep. Living in my parents basement has been a huge blessing for Daniel and I for many reasons, and a big one is that my mom and dad are obsessed with Addie and want to help us any way that they can, so they had the baby for a few hours so Daniel and I could get some much needed rest after a very emotional and stressful day. I was so frustrated and upset and hormonal and just in tears because I couldn't fall asleep. So I sat up, and said a quick prayer just asking Heavenly Father to help a sister out, and the next thing I knew I was waking up at 1:30 to feed Addie. I fed, burped and changed my little one and as I was rocking her back to sleep I pleaded with Heavenly Father to allow my poor little one to get some good sleep. If not for my sake, for her little body's sake so she could fight off the sickness she had. There's nothing worse than holding your screaming child and not knowing how to help them. I rocked her, brought her into our room, put her in her bed and climbed into mine and went to sleep. The next thing I knew, it was 4 AM (Addie's favorite time to be awake...until about 7...) and Adelaide was still sound asleep. Then it was 5, and Addie was still asleep. Then it was 6....sound asleep. She finally woke up to satisfy her hunger around 7 and as I watched her gulp away at her bottle I couldn't help but just cry. Heavenly Father hears us. He hears our prayers, he knows the righteous desires of our hearts. HE LOVES US. That doesn't mean that every time I plead with the lord to let Addie sleep through the night that she will. It doesn't mean I won't be tired anymore or that my Adelaide will never be sick again. We don't always get what we want, what we think we need. But the lord is so mindful of us, our father in heaven is mindful of us, and our prayers are heard. Boyd K Packer said "there are few things more powerful than the prayers of a righteous mother." And I am not saying I am righteous, or better than anybody, but I know that without a doubt, my prayers were heard and they were answered. And as silly as it may seem that my daughter allowing myself, and herself too, to get roughly 8 hours of pretty good sleep is an answered prayer, wait until you have a baby.

Being a mom is something that I can't explain. I'm told it's the most rewarding thing I'll ever do, and I believe it. But my rewards right now are sleepless nights, screaming for no reason, poopy diapers and only getting smiles when she has gas. And I wouldn't change it for the world.

But being completely responsible for something so precious isn't bliss. It's hard. It's overwhelming. It's emotional. But it's worth it. So if I'm going to be honest with you, no. I have not loved struggling with the fact that my daughter refuses to breast feed. I haven't loved getting no sleep. I haven't loved having a marshmallow for a stomach and not being able to wear my jeans. I haven't loved going into the doctor in the middle of the night because my daughter has such bad acid reflux she won't sleep. I haven't loved changing diapers and listening to her scream every time she gets bathed or dressed. But I do love my daughter. And I love that I get to raise her. I love that Heavenly Father trusts me enough to send me one of his most special little angels. I love that my husband and I get to share our love with the world through our child. So hate me for hesitating when asked if I love being a mom. That question is more complex than anybody who isn't a parent will ever understand.