I've thought about this a lot lately. There's a SpongeBob episode that my best friend through high school showed me (I never had an interest in that show growing up...) and I don't remember the details, but SpongeBob wants to know why people aren't hanging out around him or whatever and Patrick goes "maybe it's because you're ugly." And this whole episode Patrick gets SpongeBob to yell at the top of his lungs that he is ugly and he is proud! Don't get me wrong, this made me laugh. The utter stupidity and ridiculousness hit my funny bone. But as silly as it may be, maybe that stupid starfish is onto something genius.
After I had Adelaide, I got hit with the baby blues. Postpartum depression happens to a lot of mommies and it escalated some issues I had previously had. I have never liked confrontation, huge crowds, or feeling like I'm not liked. I don't like it when plans change last minute and if more people show up than I was told? Shoot. That's bad. Sometimes I sit in bed and just sob. Why? I don't know. I hate being late and I don't "go with the flow" - I always thought these were just weirdo quirks I had. They made me who I was, whether or not that was good or bad. Well PPD, being a mom, and a 3 hour conversation with my husband driving back from southern utah...I found myself making a doctors appointment.
I went to this appointment in absolute TEARS. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and quite frankly terrified. After telling my doctor everything, having him ask me a couple questions, and having a nice chat, my genuine fears became reality. "Haley, I think you may have severe anxiety."
Ok at this point you're thinking "ok...? And??" Well. This is embarrassing to admit but honestly I viewed mental illness as strictly for crazy people and I am not crazy! (I'm a little crazy...)
That's horrible, I know. But I wasn't educated. I didn't realize that mental illness didn't mean psychopath. I knew that anxiety, depression, bipolar, etc. were more common than I even realized but I was scared to be viewed differently. There was yet another thing "wrong with me" and I hated that.
After being put on medication and being advised to seek therapy, it all became real. My parents knew, my husband knew, and my best friend knew about this and that was it. Things started making sense as to why I did things certain ways and reacted the way I did. The medication started kicking in and Daniel got his wife back (finally!) and I started to feel like myself again. But I was still embarrassed. But why??
Anxiety is really nothing major in my case. Yeah, I struggle with it. Yes, I have to learn to deal and cope with certain things. But it's part of who I am. It doesn't mean somethings "wrong" with me or that I'm "broken" it's just something I have to deal with. Everybody has crap they have to deal with. So why am I freaking out over this??
I've come to the conclusion that society wants us to be perfect, beautiful, and put together constantly. I am so far from Perfect, beautiful, and put together it's actually funny. I think I wear sweatpants and my hair on top of my head more than I wear real clothes and get ready. I honestly think some of my classmates believe I don't own any real pants and/or shower ever.... sometimes when we hit road blocks we think it's the end of the world. Well I am here to tell you that it isn't. Wear your crazy with pride because guess what?? Everybody has a little bit. Whether you're too emotional, an emotional robot, have a mental or any other illness, or insecurities in general. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. People aren't always going to like you. Some people are going to like you too much. But as long as you love you, you know that your family loves you, and know that God loves you, then you're doing ok! So the next time you're embarrassed by the things that make you YOU, just remember Patrick's advice. I'm ugly, and I'm proud.
