Growing Up Is No Fun

           Its funny how good I am at this whole blogging deal. Let's all just take a moment and appreciate this for a second. And shove it in the face of those who said "you cant keep this up" HA.  :) that was rude. I am sorry for behaving so childish for a moment there.

            I think I had this total misconception of what my college life was going to be like and I am more than willing to sit here and blame TV and movies for that. I definitely should have gotten out more often; it would have made this transition a little more realistic. I guess it's just frustrating to me that I spend my whole high school life being so confident in who I am and what I want from my life and then I actually come to college and I have no idea what I want or who I even am. I feel like this is so backwards, but it's not. I understand that is how everybody feels but oh is it frustrating. I feel like I am 12 years old again and completely lost in the abyss and crying because I don't understand my emotions. Maybe that just comes with being a girl. Either way it sucks and I don't like it. Not one bit!

            I guess I just find myself becoming more and more reserved as I get older. It's hard to believe, because the majority of you I have known for years and you know how I am. But I have found myself sitting in the dining hall by myself, looking around at the various students that attend SUU and thinking to myself "What the heck am I doing here?" which is an awful thing to think. I definitely feel like I am trying so hard to not be the girl I was in high school, because I feel like I should be somebody else. But should I be somebody else? Or is that really, truly, 100 percent who I am? College makes me feel like there is a piece of me missing...a piece that I never really minded not having all throughout high school. So why suddenly do I notice it's not there? And what isn't there anyway? I have a loving family who supports me and loves me unconditionally, I am smart, I have great friends, and I have the gospel. So why is it that I can't make this feeling of "Who am I?" go away? I just need to get my freaking degree in psychology so I can figure out what's wrong with me. Because we all know my parents can't pay for that kind of help. :)

            I also find myself having a hard time making friends. Along with not wanting to be who I was in high school, I also don't want to surround myself with the kind of friends I had in high school. Is it bad that I want to be appreciated and wanted instead of put down and needed? I just see myself still surrounding myself with the kind of people that don't appreciate me for who I am. And I just don't know how to shake that habit of mine. I am so big on telling others to not fit into a mold, to be an individual and not care what anybody thinks. But how can I preach it if I don't even do it for myself? Don't get me wrong, I have made some incredible friends here who I adore. In fact, I live with my best friend. It couldn't be more ideal. but I guess I just can't help but feel like I am doing something wrong.  I know that every day this will get easier, I just am being impatient. In reality, Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I have purpose and depth; I am a daughter of God. And there is nothing better than that. I just wish he would hurry this little process along. Because growing up is no fun.